New Years Resolutions:

To be more of a mother.  I find it hard to do things with the children.  I myself never really felt like I was the normal child.  I don't know how to play with a child.  But this year I am going to make myself try to play.  I will pay more attention to what my children like and do my best to enjoy that with them.

To watch our finances better.  We don't have the best financial situation and I sometimes blame that on my husband, but it is just as much my fault.  I need to make a plan and stick to it.  My goal is to actually put some money back for emergencies.  Maybe the Dave Ramsey plan is something I should look in to.

To become more active.  Lately I have been lazier than usual.  I am placing blame on the weather but really it is me.  I have gained 20 pounds in the last few months.  My ultimate goal is to lose 100 pounds.  Although I know that is going to be very hard, I at least need to start on it.

I am not going to try to quit smoking or eat better like everyone else because I know that those are definitely resolutions that I will not keep.  I believe that my ideas are better for me anyway.  It will not only improve my life but the lives of my family.

Life is too dramatic.  We have gotten in over our heads financially because shortly after we bought our house I had to add insurance on my kids because their father can't afford to pay the copays for my son's weekly therapies and then my husbands child support went up.  This added about an additional $400 to our monthly bills so I have started a part time job.  So I am working my regular full time job 40 hours a week, then doing another 16 hours on the weekend.  I have been in training for over a month now and they just fired the general manager at my part time job.  So now I think I am about to lose this second job because I have called every day trying to get my schedule for this weekend and today I was told that I was off until the GM could talk to me.  She had told the assistant manager that my schedule was not flexible enough because of my full time job and that I would not be good for them.  So this is stressor number one.

Stressor number two is my husband's ex-wife.  We have been paying her monthly child support but keeping the kids majority of the time.  My husband pays her about $150 more a month for two kids than my ex pays me for three kids.  I am not sure how this happened.  We are supposed to have them 4 days a month and we continue to keep them about 20 days a month.  So we filed for primary custody.  The ex got the paperwork on Thursday.  On Friday she called the police stating that my husband is beating his daughter.  The police came (scaring the crap out of the daughter) and decided that there was nothing going on.  They called DCS as protocol and they said that if the police did not think there was a problem then they would not file a report.  So the police left and I thought it was over.  Apparently the ex was not happy about the police not doing anything so she called DCS herself.  They will be coming to our house on Monday.  Why does she have to be such a bitch?  She is only hurting the kids.

Stressor number three is my husband.  We are fighting all the time because he always is having to watch the kids.  Because I am working two jobs he stays home with them.  He is disabled so he gets a check from the VA which does not allow him to get a job.  He says he needs help with the kids but I am doing all I can do.  Up until this week I was going to school too.  That of course is going to have to be put on the back burner.  How can I help him when I have to work.  We have to pay the bills.  I just don't know what to do.  Sometimes I just feel like breaking down.  I have all I can handle on my plate and he is wanting to add more to me.  I know it is frustrating to sit home with 3 year old twins all day and then with 3 more children in the afternoon after school, but I can't do anything about it.  It is after 6pm before I get home everyday and then I usually have to get the kids ready for bed and make sure that everything is ready for in the morning.  Then they go to bed.  I get two hours a day to get everything done and spend time with the kids.  I can't be superwoman.  I just don't know how I can get this through his thick skull. 

Other than that I am just tired, I still don't like my job but I am thankful that I have one.  And as far as jobs go it is a good one.  I have state retirement, good pay and good hours.  But I hate that it is a 2 hour commute everyday and the actual job is soooo boring.  I really wish I could get something that either pays well enough for us to be financially ok, or a job that is closer to home so I would be able to spend more time with family.  But unfortunately those jobs have not been offered to me yet. 

Work, work, work

So once again I have overloaded myself.  I am now taking two graduate level courses at UT Martin.  The first week was horrible.  I bombed everything.  But this week is a little better.  In one class I have to write a paper each week using three peer reviewed articles to support my information.  This has to be done in APA format which apparently I do not understand.  The first paper I wrote I got an 81.  My paper was full of formatting corrections.  But this week I tried a little harder on my formatting and got a 92.  So I am pretty happy with that.  An A is all I can ask for.  The other class I have we must do a chapter test each week.  The first test I took I made a 68.  But I learned where he gets his questions from so on the test this week I made a 93.  Once again an A so I will take it.  Maybe there is hope after all.  I keep telling myself that I only have 2 more years left and I will be completely done.  I do not believe that a Ph.D. is in my future.  I fully believe that I will stop after the Masters.  We will see what happens.

.....I started smoking again.  And have gained 20 pounds this month.  Stress is killing me.

Once again I have gotten myself over my head.  I have decided to go back to school and get my Masters degree.  I have been putting it off for the last 2 years but I really need to do something.  I am taking two classes this semester and I have a feeling it is going to take more than I have.  Both classes require a paper each week with lots of research on top of quizzes and discussion boards.  I kinds just coasted through my Bachelors and didn't really put a lot of work into it.  I am not saying that is wasn't difficult but I never really put any effort into it.  That all is about to change.  I keep telling myself that others can do it so I know I can.  Well I am going to give it my best shot.  I have my observation hours in the classroom coming up.  This will also give me a little taste of what teaching is like to see if that is something I want to pursue.  My Masters is going to be in School Counseling, but I was talking to the graduate coordinator for APSU's education department and she suggested that I go take a praxis exam and try to get hired on as a teacher with an alternative license.  She thinks that I am smart enough to pass the exam with taking any of the classes.  If I can do that then I would have to have a school system hire me and I would only have to take 6 graduate classes in education to become completely certified and licensed as a teacher.

The main reason I want to teach is to get out of the job I am in now.  I know I should be grateful to have a decent job but I can't help but be miserable there.  I have been on countless interviews over the last three years and still have not be able to get a job somewhere else.  I always get to the last round of interviews but yet I am never chosen.  It has gotten to the point where I am completely discouraged.  I would guess that my interviewing skills suck but if they did they wouldn't call me back for the second interview.  I know my main problem in the interviews is that I am way too honest.  They way I look at it, I am not going to kiss your ass and tell you how great I am and make up crap to make you hire me.  I go into it being myself.  I do play up my good qualities but I don't beg for the job.  If you don't like my answers then I don't need to be working for you anyways.  However, they don't seem to like this approach.  My mother asked me why I do this.  I told her if I go into an interview and tell them everything they want to hear even if I don't really believe it and they wind up hiring me then I would probably be in the same situation I am now where I don't like who I work for.  If I am straight up and tell them what I am looking for in a boss and they like my answers then maybe I can get a boss that I can get along with and be happy.

But for now I guess I will just try to go to school and get a different job.  That seems to be my only option at this moment.

Changes

There have been lots of changes in my life that have happened in the last few weeks.  The first I want to mention is that I have finally applied for graduate school.  I graduated with my bachelors about 2 years ago and I have been procrastinating the graduate school decision.  But the other day I realized that I am just wasting my time.  I don't want to be stuck in the job that I have now forever.  I have a decent job and making decent money for what it is, but it doesn't make me happy.  All I have is 2 to 3 more years of school and I could be doing what I want to do.  I have registered to take my GRE and depending on the results of that I hope to be starting school again this August.  It is going to take some time away from my family and my husband is really going to practice patience with me but in the end it will definitely be worth it and I will get to spend so much more time with them. 

The second is that my ex-husband bought a house in my new town.  I know this will be good for the children, especially my oldest because he doesn't get to see him during the school year.  But now his dad can take him to school and he will be able to spend his scheduled visitation with him.  It is kind of weird to think that I now have the possibility of running into him or his girlfriend (aka the woman he left me for).  That is the only part I am not sure I will be comfortable with.  It has been over 3 years now since we split and it is still a little hard for me to be around her.  Not because I want him back (because I definitely don't) but just because she broke my family apart and the kids are still suffering from what they did.  I don't know if I will ever get over that anger, but the best I can do is be as nice as I can in front of the kids no matter how I feel about them. 

The third thing is I am getting so frustrated about the state of my house.  My husband is so concerned with getting all his projects done that nothing is getting done on the house.  I want to redo all the landscaping, plant a small garden and put a fence in the backyard so the children can play without running to the road.  With twins it is hard to handle them in open spaces.  They like to run in different directions.  One will be heading to the neighbors house and the other to the road.  It is literally like being pulled in two directions at once.  Right now our property looks so trashy.  I like things nice and neat and my husband has everything all over the place.  He has this huge barn that he can put whatever he wants in it but for some reason he wants to lay things beside it. 

Another peeve of mine that has been happening since we moved is that I don't see my husband hardly at all.  He stays inside all day with the children while I am at work so when I get home he hands me the kids and goes outside.  I understand him wanting to go do what he wants to do but I feel like I am stuck.  He doesn't understand this because I get to get out of the house by going to work.  To me work is not something I would consider a break.  But anyways, he leaves as soon as I get home.  I am trying to be reasonable about this because he is technically taking care of kids that aren't biologically his (even though he claims that they are his children regardless) but it is getting so tiresome and I am starting to feel resentful.  I need a break too.  And it would be really nice to be able to spend some time with him. But that is a dream because for one we don't have any money and for two it is almost impossible to find anyone who wants to watch all 3 of my kids at once or all 5 if we have his too.

I know I am blessed and I shouldn't be complaining so much but I just feel a little depressed that I am not able to get done what I want to.  I don't like chaos and for now that is what my life seems to be.

And by the way, I am still taking Chantix.  Haven't completely stopped smoking but have cut down to 5 or 6 a day as opposed to a little over a pack (20+) a day. 

So I still haven't unpacked everything.  My garage and basement look like a storage shed.  But I have the essentials out and it feels like home.  I think the family loves it.  We have started having our summer bon-fires out at our place.  So why am I so stressed?  Because we are BROKE!  Moving really takes a lot of money.  We are trying to play catch-up from all the connection fees. Hopefully next month we will be on track again.  But we added a new car payment to the bills also.  My husband was needing a truck so I traded in my SUV for him a Sierra Z71.  By trading in the SUV that left us with nothing that would fit the enormous family I have.  So I did it....I became a minivan mom. It is different from driving a massive SUV but I will become used to it.  The gas mileage is GREAT!!  It is going to save us some money with me driving 70 miles a day to work.  And did I mention that the truck and the van are the exact same color?  Yeah, we match.  But this is as far as it goes.  I hope we don't start dressing alike.

Also trying to quit smoking.  On day 5 of Chantix so I will keep you updated.

So much to do and so little time

I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions.  We just moved into a house and we are trying to unpack in the few hours we have between work and taking care of kids.  We lived with my mother-in-law for a year so we are also trying to get everything else out of my mother-in-laws house so her daughter and her family can move in.  Then I have to clean her house.  Plus taking care of my three kids full time and his two on the weekends.  But I am bringing some of this on myself.  I had plans to do laundry tonight but of course I call some friends and invite them over for dinner.  I also have scheduled a pampered chef party for this weekend at my house.  Even with nothing really unpacked and decorated.  Am I crazy?  Why am I doing this to myself?  I really just need to focus this weekend and get all the unpacking done because I have a feeling I will have even less time to work on this next weekend since I will have all my kids.  As an extra bonus to my life, my ex-husband is moving about 5 miles away from me.  This will be great for the children since right now he doesn't get to see them often because he lives a little over an hour away.  Now he will be able to get them just about any time he wants to see them.  It isn't going to be bad for me though because my and my ex get a long for the most part.  I just can't stand the woman he is with because she was the one he left me for.  But thankfully we stay out of each others life and only talk when it comes to the kids.  I have it good that way.  But I have a feeling my over-jealous husband is going to have issues with this.  He already things that my ex wants me back and can't stand that we get along so well.  I just hope that everything works out.