Changes

There have been lots of changes in my life that have happened in the last few weeks.  The first I want to mention is that I have finally applied for graduate school.  I graduated with my bachelors about 2 years ago and I have been procrastinating the graduate school decision.  But the other day I realized that I am just wasting my time.  I don't want to be stuck in the job that I have now forever.  I have a decent job and making decent money for what it is, but it doesn't make me happy.  All I have is 2 to 3 more years of school and I could be doing what I want to do.  I have registered to take my GRE and depending on the results of that I hope to be starting school again this August.  It is going to take some time away from my family and my husband is really going to practice patience with me but in the end it will definitely be worth it and I will get to spend so much more time with them. 

The second is that my ex-husband bought a house in my new town.  I know this will be good for the children, especially my oldest because he doesn't get to see him during the school year.  But now his dad can take him to school and he will be able to spend his scheduled visitation with him.  It is kind of weird to think that I now have the possibility of running into him or his girlfriend (aka the woman he left me for).  That is the only part I am not sure I will be comfortable with.  It has been over 3 years now since we split and it is still a little hard for me to be around her.  Not because I want him back (because I definitely don't) but just because she broke my family apart and the kids are still suffering from what they did.  I don't know if I will ever get over that anger, but the best I can do is be as nice as I can in front of the kids no matter how I feel about them. 

The third thing is I am getting so frustrated about the state of my house.  My husband is so concerned with getting all his projects done that nothing is getting done on the house.  I want to redo all the landscaping, plant a small garden and put a fence in the backyard so the children can play without running to the road.  With twins it is hard to handle them in open spaces.  They like to run in different directions.  One will be heading to the neighbors house and the other to the road.  It is literally like being pulled in two directions at once.  Right now our property looks so trashy.  I like things nice and neat and my husband has everything all over the place.  He has this huge barn that he can put whatever he wants in it but for some reason he wants to lay things beside it. 

Another peeve of mine that has been happening since we moved is that I don't see my husband hardly at all.  He stays inside all day with the children while I am at work so when I get home he hands me the kids and goes outside.  I understand him wanting to go do what he wants to do but I feel like I am stuck.  He doesn't understand this because I get to get out of the house by going to work.  To me work is not something I would consider a break.  But anyways, he leaves as soon as I get home.  I am trying to be reasonable about this because he is technically taking care of kids that aren't biologically his (even though he claims that they are his children regardless) but it is getting so tiresome and I am starting to feel resentful.  I need a break too.  And it would be really nice to be able to spend some time with him. But that is a dream because for one we don't have any money and for two it is almost impossible to find anyone who wants to watch all 3 of my kids at once or all 5 if we have his too.

I know I am blessed and I shouldn't be complaining so much but I just feel a little depressed that I am not able to get done what I want to.  I don't like chaos and for now that is what my life seems to be.

And by the way, I am still taking Chantix.  Haven't completely stopped smoking but have cut down to 5 or 6 a day as opposed to a little over a pack (20+) a day.