It's sad but I believe I have become numb to all the random acts of violence in America.  I feel bad for the families of yesterday's tragedy in Boston, but it almost feels normal for me.  Really the only events that have sparked true emotions from me was the Sandy Hook school shooting.  And I think that was because I have children that age and my empathy went into overdrive because it could have been my children.  How has America become so full of hatred and malice?  I really believe it begins at home and the way you were raised.  How come I feel scared to discipline my children?  Why is the government so involved in our lives that we run the risk of having our children taken away by using a belt for punishment?  It almost makes me want to leave my homeland.  I want to go live in the peaceful vineyards of Italy away from everyone.  If only life were like it was 60 years ago when children were scared and respected elders.  It seems fitting that I should quote Anne Frank at this time.  "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."  This is true but they have to be shown the right way.  I was having a conversation with my son the other night.  He has been acting out at school and home lately.  When I asked him why he said his brain told him to do bad things.  I told him that was normal and everyone's brain tells them to bad things, but we have to listen to our heart and choose to do good.

Woe is Me

I think I have failed to mention that I absolutely hate my boss.  She is such a micro manager and never can make permanent decisions.  I work in an office with about 20 other people and she is over all of us.  We all can't stand her but no one will do anything about it.  We just sit and talk about her to each other to blow off some steam.  She is ex-military and she "leads" our office like that.  It is do as I say and don't ask questions.  First of all she doesn't know how to do any of our jobs.  You would think that she would ask our opinion sometimes but NO she just makes rash decisions and then we regret it later.  Because of some of her stupid ideas my department has had to work several hours of overtime.  Today she announced that we would work next Saturday all day.  It is mandatory.  I am trying to move and I had planned next Saturday to be the day we finally move everything in.  But now I will be scrambling all week after work to try to get things done.  I know you are probably thinking "if you are that miserable, then get another job".  I have been interviewing for the past 3 years and have not received one single offer.  I don't know what I am doing wrong, but apparently no one likes me.  I am a hard worker and do what I am told.  I have probably been on 20 different interviews over this time period.  I have even interviewed for jobs that I am way too qualified for in the hopes of getting out.  So until I can move on, I will just bite my tongue, continue to take my Zoloft and rant to my husband.  But I really hate the way she manages.  I have even thought about making a false email account and emailing her job opportunities as I find them in hopes that she will find one that she likes and leave.  I haven't gone that far.....yet.

Major Issues

So I have a huge problem.  My 2 year old son is fast as lightening and likes to go outside with no one knowing.  Today my husband went to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door.  I am upset but I don't blame him because it is very easy to leave it unlocked.  But my son goes out the front door.  By the time my husband realized he was gone my son was near a very busy road.  Luckily a passerby stopped and kept him from getting into the road until my husband could reach him.  I am so scared that something bad is going to happen and he will be hurt or even killed.  We are planning to move in about a week so I know that we can baby proof this house better than the one we are currently living in, but it is so scary to think what might have happened.  The new house is going to have a security system that will sound when the doors are open so I hope that will help alleviate the problem in the future, but we still have about a week or so of having to watch him like a hawk.

Differences

Have you ever just sat and watched people as they pass by?  At work I am sitting in a very public area for customer service purposes.  I am not going to go into how stupid I think this is because we never have anyone come to us with questions.  But for the last 4 hours I have been watching the different people come in and out.  Right now there is a white guy with dreadlocks walking along with an average looking white girl.  Not a combination you would expect, right?  But people can surprise you.  Generally I see nice looking people with other attractive people.  We have the tendency to attract and be attracted to like minded and looking individuals.  But when I see an attractive model type girl with a nerdy looking boy, it makes me feel better about the human race.  There are people out there that can see beyond looks.  Just because you don't dress the same way or have the same amount of money, people can still have a genuine attraction.  Me and my husband are examples of this.  We both come from middle class families but his choice of style is very different than mine.  Just today he texted me a picture of him in the mirror donning overalls.  I am attracted to this country boy even though we are completely different.  He enjoys being outside, working on cars, camping, riding horses, etc.  I on the other hand have never really had any interest in these activities.  I have always really been a homebody.  But because of our differences we have broadened each others experiences.  He teaches me things about farming and I can teach him things about how people think.  I am a sociology major so the inner workings of the mind and how environment affects people are my passion.  I have helped him understand people and learn to deal with issues.  We don't always work well together but who does?  So next time you see that geeky boy or redneck, give him a shot.  Who knows he might just be your prince charming.

By the way...My nephew got engaged!!!

Life As I Know It

I guess it has been about 3 years since I posted anything on this website. Boy has my life turned upside down.  Shortly after I found out I was having twins, my husband of 8 years left me for a co-worker of his.  Needless to say, I was DEVASTATED. He chose to leave his 3 year old, me and his two unborn babies for a tramp.  But I don't want to go any further into that because it makes my blood pressure rise.  I went a little crazy afterward.  I just wanted someone to pay attention to me.  I need the attention that I had been lacking for the past year from my ex.  I met a guy online.  I know you aren't supposed to meet people online but like I said, I was crazy. I was home one night with no friends to go out with so I got on Yahoo! to chat with someone.  I was starving to human interaction.  So this guy gets on there and we start chatting.  I give him my number and he calls me that night.  We talked for 4 hours.  We continued to talk on the phone for a few weeks then we decided to meet.  I wasn't looking for anything serious, just attention.  Hell, I was talking to another guy too but had never met him.  Well, apparently I am irresistible because a few weeks later he was telling me how much he loved me.  This threw me off at first but I told him to take it slow that I wasn't ready for love again.  He was very persistent.  He was such a good guy and fun to be around so I gave him a chance.  He was with me throughout most of my pregnancy and helped me when my twins were born early and had to be in the NICU.  He was a wonderful man.  

So here I am 3 years later.  We were married on October 11, 2012.  Today is our 6 month anniversary but we have been together for two and a half years.  We just bought a house in his hometown and we are raising our 5 kids together (my 3 and his 2). I did not image that I would find love again or that I would be a mother to 5 children. We have two 2 year olds, two 6 year olds, and one 7 year old.  But I love my life now.  He makes me feel wanted and appreciated.  I know he loves me and I love him.  

I really miss writing on this blog.  So I will probably start updating it more.  Especially since no one I know really reads it so I can write just about anything without sensor.  

Really, Really Expecting

A lot has happened since the last time I posted. My husband and I decided to have another child. We had been trying actually since about last September but just like before we weren't having much luck on our own. So in April I went to the doctor and got a prescription for Clomid. This is the same fertility drug I took in 2006 to get pregnant with my son, Jackson. I took one "cycle" (5 days) of the Clomid. Jeff and I decided that at this point in our lives we might need to postpone having another child. Jeff and I are both in school and working full time and financially it didn't make much sense to have another child until one of us graduated. I was a little disappointed with our decision because I am 28 years old and really don't want to wait much longer to have more children. And our son is already 3 years old and I don't want to have a large age gap between the kids. But my husband's reasoning made sense.

So I did not take anymore cycles of the Clomid. In May I did not have my monthly woman visitor but that is not unusual for me at all. I took a pregnancy test and it was negative. Then a few more weeks later I noticed that I was very emotional. I would cry while hearing songs on the radio. I haven't been taking my Zoloft (anxiety meds) so I thought that my brain was just malfunctioning like it does. A coworker talked me into taking another test. So at work in the bathroom stall I took a pregnancy test (without my husband knowing) and immediately two pink lines show up. I was completely shocked. After telling Jeff and both of us adjusting to the idea of this unexpected surprise I still decided to keep it quiet at work until after I went to the doctor to confirm everything. On June 17, 2010 I went and confirmed with the doctor. Since the pregnancy was due to a fertility drug they scheduled me for an ultrasound to make sure everything was okay. On June 23, 2010 my husband and I go back for the ultrasound. I am only about 11 weeks at this time so I don't know why but I was expecting to just see a little peanut and nothing much more. As soon as the TV screen popped on the ultrasound technician says "There's two". WHAT?! There they were. 2 heads, 2 bodies, and 4 hands. They are fraternal twins which means they are in separate amniotic sacs and have separate placentas which is good because they will be able to have separate nourishment instead of fighting for it.

Well as you can imagine both of us were really shocked. Before the technician walked out the door she asked me "Is your husband okay, because he hasn't said a word since I have been in here?" He didn't really speak to me until about an hour later. I know it was a lot to take in. And the first things he says to me is we have to get a new car and a new house.

So within a matter of a few minutes my life has completely changed. We traded our compact crossover vehicle for a full size SUV. We have decided to make the house work as long as we can. There are 2 bedrooms and 1 bath upstairs and 2 bedrooms and 1 bath in the basement but you can't really put any of the kids in a basement. So eventually we will probably have to add on or move. So now we are just trying to prepare for what is to come next. I am already getting a baby bump and I am only 12 weeks along. I can't image what I will be like in a month or two. I guess we will see.