Life is too dramatic.  We have gotten in over our heads financially because shortly after we bought our house I had to add insurance on my kids because their father can't afford to pay the copays for my son's weekly therapies and then my husbands child support went up.  This added about an additional $400 to our monthly bills so I have started a part time job.  So I am working my regular full time job 40 hours a week, then doing another 16 hours on the weekend.  I have been in training for over a month now and they just fired the general manager at my part time job.  So now I think I am about to lose this second job because I have called every day trying to get my schedule for this weekend and today I was told that I was off until the GM could talk to me.  She had told the assistant manager that my schedule was not flexible enough because of my full time job and that I would not be good for them.  So this is stressor number one.

Stressor number two is my husband's ex-wife.  We have been paying her monthly child support but keeping the kids majority of the time.  My husband pays her about $150 more a month for two kids than my ex pays me for three kids.  I am not sure how this happened.  We are supposed to have them 4 days a month and we continue to keep them about 20 days a month.  So we filed for primary custody.  The ex got the paperwork on Thursday.  On Friday she called the police stating that my husband is beating his daughter.  The police came (scaring the crap out of the daughter) and decided that there was nothing going on.  They called DCS as protocol and they said that if the police did not think there was a problem then they would not file a report.  So the police left and I thought it was over.  Apparently the ex was not happy about the police not doing anything so she called DCS herself.  They will be coming to our house on Monday.  Why does she have to be such a bitch?  She is only hurting the kids.

Stressor number three is my husband.  We are fighting all the time because he always is having to watch the kids.  Because I am working two jobs he stays home with them.  He is disabled so he gets a check from the VA which does not allow him to get a job.  He says he needs help with the kids but I am doing all I can do.  Up until this week I was going to school too.  That of course is going to have to be put on the back burner.  How can I help him when I have to work.  We have to pay the bills.  I just don't know what to do.  Sometimes I just feel like breaking down.  I have all I can handle on my plate and he is wanting to add more to me.  I know it is frustrating to sit home with 3 year old twins all day and then with 3 more children in the afternoon after school, but I can't do anything about it.  It is after 6pm before I get home everyday and then I usually have to get the kids ready for bed and make sure that everything is ready for in the morning.  Then they go to bed.  I get two hours a day to get everything done and spend time with the kids.  I can't be superwoman.  I just don't know how I can get this through his thick skull. 

Other than that I am just tired, I still don't like my job but I am thankful that I have one.  And as far as jobs go it is a good one.  I have state retirement, good pay and good hours.  But I hate that it is a 2 hour commute everyday and the actual job is soooo boring.  I really wish I could get something that either pays well enough for us to be financially ok, or a job that is closer to home so I would be able to spend more time with family.  But unfortunately those jobs have not been offered to me yet. 

Work, work, work

So once again I have overloaded myself.  I am now taking two graduate level courses at UT Martin.  The first week was horrible.  I bombed everything.  But this week is a little better.  In one class I have to write a paper each week using three peer reviewed articles to support my information.  This has to be done in APA format which apparently I do not understand.  The first paper I wrote I got an 81.  My paper was full of formatting corrections.  But this week I tried a little harder on my formatting and got a 92.  So I am pretty happy with that.  An A is all I can ask for.  The other class I have we must do a chapter test each week.  The first test I took I made a 68.  But I learned where he gets his questions from so on the test this week I made a 93.  Once again an A so I will take it.  Maybe there is hope after all.  I keep telling myself that I only have 2 more years left and I will be completely done.  I do not believe that a Ph.D. is in my future.  I fully believe that I will stop after the Masters.  We will see what happens.

.....I started smoking again.  And have gained 20 pounds this month.  Stress is killing me.

Once again I have gotten myself over my head.  I have decided to go back to school and get my Masters degree.  I have been putting it off for the last 2 years but I really need to do something.  I am taking two classes this semester and I have a feeling it is going to take more than I have.  Both classes require a paper each week with lots of research on top of quizzes and discussion boards.  I kinds just coasted through my Bachelors and didn't really put a lot of work into it.  I am not saying that is wasn't difficult but I never really put any effort into it.  That all is about to change.  I keep telling myself that others can do it so I know I can.  Well I am going to give it my best shot.  I have my observation hours in the classroom coming up.  This will also give me a little taste of what teaching is like to see if that is something I want to pursue.  My Masters is going to be in School Counseling, but I was talking to the graduate coordinator for APSU's education department and she suggested that I go take a praxis exam and try to get hired on as a teacher with an alternative license.  She thinks that I am smart enough to pass the exam with taking any of the classes.  If I can do that then I would have to have a school system hire me and I would only have to take 6 graduate classes in education to become completely certified and licensed as a teacher.

The main reason I want to teach is to get out of the job I am in now.  I know I should be grateful to have a decent job but I can't help but be miserable there.  I have been on countless interviews over the last three years and still have not be able to get a job somewhere else.  I always get to the last round of interviews but yet I am never chosen.  It has gotten to the point where I am completely discouraged.  I would guess that my interviewing skills suck but if they did they wouldn't call me back for the second interview.  I know my main problem in the interviews is that I am way too honest.  They way I look at it, I am not going to kiss your ass and tell you how great I am and make up crap to make you hire me.  I go into it being myself.  I do play up my good qualities but I don't beg for the job.  If you don't like my answers then I don't need to be working for you anyways.  However, they don't seem to like this approach.  My mother asked me why I do this.  I told her if I go into an interview and tell them everything they want to hear even if I don't really believe it and they wind up hiring me then I would probably be in the same situation I am now where I don't like who I work for.  If I am straight up and tell them what I am looking for in a boss and they like my answers then maybe I can get a boss that I can get along with and be happy.

But for now I guess I will just try to go to school and get a different job.  That seems to be my only option at this moment.

Changes

There have been lots of changes in my life that have happened in the last few weeks.  The first I want to mention is that I have finally applied for graduate school.  I graduated with my bachelors about 2 years ago and I have been procrastinating the graduate school decision.  But the other day I realized that I am just wasting my time.  I don't want to be stuck in the job that I have now forever.  I have a decent job and making decent money for what it is, but it doesn't make me happy.  All I have is 2 to 3 more years of school and I could be doing what I want to do.  I have registered to take my GRE and depending on the results of that I hope to be starting school again this August.  It is going to take some time away from my family and my husband is really going to practice patience with me but in the end it will definitely be worth it and I will get to spend so much more time with them. 

The second is that my ex-husband bought a house in my new town.  I know this will be good for the children, especially my oldest because he doesn't get to see him during the school year.  But now his dad can take him to school and he will be able to spend his scheduled visitation with him.  It is kind of weird to think that I now have the possibility of running into him or his girlfriend (aka the woman he left me for).  That is the only part I am not sure I will be comfortable with.  It has been over 3 years now since we split and it is still a little hard for me to be around her.  Not because I want him back (because I definitely don't) but just because she broke my family apart and the kids are still suffering from what they did.  I don't know if I will ever get over that anger, but the best I can do is be as nice as I can in front of the kids no matter how I feel about them. 

The third thing is I am getting so frustrated about the state of my house.  My husband is so concerned with getting all his projects done that nothing is getting done on the house.  I want to redo all the landscaping, plant a small garden and put a fence in the backyard so the children can play without running to the road.  With twins it is hard to handle them in open spaces.  They like to run in different directions.  One will be heading to the neighbors house and the other to the road.  It is literally like being pulled in two directions at once.  Right now our property looks so trashy.  I like things nice and neat and my husband has everything all over the place.  He has this huge barn that he can put whatever he wants in it but for some reason he wants to lay things beside it. 

Another peeve of mine that has been happening since we moved is that I don't see my husband hardly at all.  He stays inside all day with the children while I am at work so when I get home he hands me the kids and goes outside.  I understand him wanting to go do what he wants to do but I feel like I am stuck.  He doesn't understand this because I get to get out of the house by going to work.  To me work is not something I would consider a break.  But anyways, he leaves as soon as I get home.  I am trying to be reasonable about this because he is technically taking care of kids that aren't biologically his (even though he claims that they are his children regardless) but it is getting so tiresome and I am starting to feel resentful.  I need a break too.  And it would be really nice to be able to spend some time with him. But that is a dream because for one we don't have any money and for two it is almost impossible to find anyone who wants to watch all 3 of my kids at once or all 5 if we have his too.

I know I am blessed and I shouldn't be complaining so much but I just feel a little depressed that I am not able to get done what I want to.  I don't like chaos and for now that is what my life seems to be.

And by the way, I am still taking Chantix.  Haven't completely stopped smoking but have cut down to 5 or 6 a day as opposed to a little over a pack (20+) a day. 

So I still haven't unpacked everything.  My garage and basement look like a storage shed.  But I have the essentials out and it feels like home.  I think the family loves it.  We have started having our summer bon-fires out at our place.  So why am I so stressed?  Because we are BROKE!  Moving really takes a lot of money.  We are trying to play catch-up from all the connection fees. Hopefully next month we will be on track again.  But we added a new car payment to the bills also.  My husband was needing a truck so I traded in my SUV for him a Sierra Z71.  By trading in the SUV that left us with nothing that would fit the enormous family I have.  So I did it....I became a minivan mom. It is different from driving a massive SUV but I will become used to it.  The gas mileage is GREAT!!  It is going to save us some money with me driving 70 miles a day to work.  And did I mention that the truck and the van are the exact same color?  Yeah, we match.  But this is as far as it goes.  I hope we don't start dressing alike.

Also trying to quit smoking.  On day 5 of Chantix so I will keep you updated.

So much to do and so little time

I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions.  We just moved into a house and we are trying to unpack in the few hours we have between work and taking care of kids.  We lived with my mother-in-law for a year so we are also trying to get everything else out of my mother-in-laws house so her daughter and her family can move in.  Then I have to clean her house.  Plus taking care of my three kids full time and his two on the weekends.  But I am bringing some of this on myself.  I had plans to do laundry tonight but of course I call some friends and invite them over for dinner.  I also have scheduled a pampered chef party for this weekend at my house.  Even with nothing really unpacked and decorated.  Am I crazy?  Why am I doing this to myself?  I really just need to focus this weekend and get all the unpacking done because I have a feeling I will have even less time to work on this next weekend since I will have all my kids.  As an extra bonus to my life, my ex-husband is moving about 5 miles away from me.  This will be great for the children since right now he doesn't get to see them often because he lives a little over an hour away.  Now he will be able to get them just about any time he wants to see them.  It isn't going to be bad for me though because my and my ex get a long for the most part.  I just can't stand the woman he is with because she was the one he left me for.  But thankfully we stay out of each others life and only talk when it comes to the kids.  I have it good that way.  But I have a feeling my over-jealous husband is going to have issues with this.  He already things that my ex wants me back and can't stand that we get along so well.  I just hope that everything works out.

The horrible, no good, very bad day

So today my husband had to go to court over his parenting plan with his ex-wife.  Just a little history about this woman....She is completely psycho.  There are really no other words that would describe her perfectly like this one does.  She is the worst human being I have ever met in my life.  She doesn't care about her children and only wants the child support money.  He has two children with her.  She drops them off at the house randomly and pulls out of the driveway before she even sees them walk in the house.  She has no clue if we are home or not.  DCS has been called on her numerous times because of pills that were found in her car but nothing has happened.  She brings the children over in flip flops during the winter and most of the time the children are not wearing underwear or socks.  She receives child support regularly but uses it to get her nails and hair done.  She doesn't pay her bills.  The children have sometimes been with electricity and the house and car is under bankruptcy.  But apparently the judge in our area sees her as a fit mother.  They went today to court to revise the parenting plan and the judge took even more days away from my husband and ordered $160 more in child support every month.  I am so sick of this.  I guess our only option is to save up enough money for an awesome lawyer and drag her through the mud to get full custody of the children.  I don't know what the judge is thinking.  I feel bad for the kids because they are the ones that are going to hurt the most from this. 

It's sad but I believe I have become numb to all the random acts of violence in America.  I feel bad for the families of yesterday's tragedy in Boston, but it almost feels normal for me.  Really the only events that have sparked true emotions from me was the Sandy Hook school shooting.  And I think that was because I have children that age and my empathy went into overdrive because it could have been my children.  How has America become so full of hatred and malice?  I really believe it begins at home and the way you were raised.  How come I feel scared to discipline my children?  Why is the government so involved in our lives that we run the risk of having our children taken away by using a belt for punishment?  It almost makes me want to leave my homeland.  I want to go live in the peaceful vineyards of Italy away from everyone.  If only life were like it was 60 years ago when children were scared and respected elders.  It seems fitting that I should quote Anne Frank at this time.  "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."  This is true but they have to be shown the right way.  I was having a conversation with my son the other night.  He has been acting out at school and home lately.  When I asked him why he said his brain told him to do bad things.  I told him that was normal and everyone's brain tells them to bad things, but we have to listen to our heart and choose to do good.

Woe is Me

I think I have failed to mention that I absolutely hate my boss.  She is such a micro manager and never can make permanent decisions.  I work in an office with about 20 other people and she is over all of us.  We all can't stand her but no one will do anything about it.  We just sit and talk about her to each other to blow off some steam.  She is ex-military and she "leads" our office like that.  It is do as I say and don't ask questions.  First of all she doesn't know how to do any of our jobs.  You would think that she would ask our opinion sometimes but NO she just makes rash decisions and then we regret it later.  Because of some of her stupid ideas my department has had to work several hours of overtime.  Today she announced that we would work next Saturday all day.  It is mandatory.  I am trying to move and I had planned next Saturday to be the day we finally move everything in.  But now I will be scrambling all week after work to try to get things done.  I know you are probably thinking "if you are that miserable, then get another job".  I have been interviewing for the past 3 years and have not received one single offer.  I don't know what I am doing wrong, but apparently no one likes me.  I am a hard worker and do what I am told.  I have probably been on 20 different interviews over this time period.  I have even interviewed for jobs that I am way too qualified for in the hopes of getting out.  So until I can move on, I will just bite my tongue, continue to take my Zoloft and rant to my husband.  But I really hate the way she manages.  I have even thought about making a false email account and emailing her job opportunities as I find them in hopes that she will find one that she likes and leave.  I haven't gone that far.....yet.

Major Issues

So I have a huge problem.  My 2 year old son is fast as lightening and likes to go outside with no one knowing.  Today my husband went to the bathroom and forgot to lock the door.  I am upset but I don't blame him because it is very easy to leave it unlocked.  But my son goes out the front door.  By the time my husband realized he was gone my son was near a very busy road.  Luckily a passerby stopped and kept him from getting into the road until my husband could reach him.  I am so scared that something bad is going to happen and he will be hurt or even killed.  We are planning to move in about a week so I know that we can baby proof this house better than the one we are currently living in, but it is so scary to think what might have happened.  The new house is going to have a security system that will sound when the doors are open so I hope that will help alleviate the problem in the future, but we still have about a week or so of having to watch him like a hawk.

Differences

Have you ever just sat and watched people as they pass by?  At work I am sitting in a very public area for customer service purposes.  I am not going to go into how stupid I think this is because we never have anyone come to us with questions.  But for the last 4 hours I have been watching the different people come in and out.  Right now there is a white guy with dreadlocks walking along with an average looking white girl.  Not a combination you would expect, right?  But people can surprise you.  Generally I see nice looking people with other attractive people.  We have the tendency to attract and be attracted to like minded and looking individuals.  But when I see an attractive model type girl with a nerdy looking boy, it makes me feel better about the human race.  There are people out there that can see beyond looks.  Just because you don't dress the same way or have the same amount of money, people can still have a genuine attraction.  Me and my husband are examples of this.  We both come from middle class families but his choice of style is very different than mine.  Just today he texted me a picture of him in the mirror donning overalls.  I am attracted to this country boy even though we are completely different.  He enjoys being outside, working on cars, camping, riding horses, etc.  I on the other hand have never really had any interest in these activities.  I have always really been a homebody.  But because of our differences we have broadened each others experiences.  He teaches me things about farming and I can teach him things about how people think.  I am a sociology major so the inner workings of the mind and how environment affects people are my passion.  I have helped him understand people and learn to deal with issues.  We don't always work well together but who does?  So next time you see that geeky boy or redneck, give him a shot.  Who knows he might just be your prince charming.

By the way...My nephew got engaged!!!

Life As I Know It

I guess it has been about 3 years since I posted anything on this website. Boy has my life turned upside down.  Shortly after I found out I was having twins, my husband of 8 years left me for a co-worker of his.  Needless to say, I was DEVASTATED. He chose to leave his 3 year old, me and his two unborn babies for a tramp.  But I don't want to go any further into that because it makes my blood pressure rise.  I went a little crazy afterward.  I just wanted someone to pay attention to me.  I need the attention that I had been lacking for the past year from my ex.  I met a guy online.  I know you aren't supposed to meet people online but like I said, I was crazy. I was home one night with no friends to go out with so I got on Yahoo! to chat with someone.  I was starving to human interaction.  So this guy gets on there and we start chatting.  I give him my number and he calls me that night.  We talked for 4 hours.  We continued to talk on the phone for a few weeks then we decided to meet.  I wasn't looking for anything serious, just attention.  Hell, I was talking to another guy too but had never met him.  Well, apparently I am irresistible because a few weeks later he was telling me how much he loved me.  This threw me off at first but I told him to take it slow that I wasn't ready for love again.  He was very persistent.  He was such a good guy and fun to be around so I gave him a chance.  He was with me throughout most of my pregnancy and helped me when my twins were born early and had to be in the NICU.  He was a wonderful man.  

So here I am 3 years later.  We were married on October 11, 2012.  Today is our 6 month anniversary but we have been together for two and a half years.  We just bought a house in his hometown and we are raising our 5 kids together (my 3 and his 2). I did not image that I would find love again or that I would be a mother to 5 children. We have two 2 year olds, two 6 year olds, and one 7 year old.  But I love my life now.  He makes me feel wanted and appreciated.  I know he loves me and I love him.  

I really miss writing on this blog.  So I will probably start updating it more.  Especially since no one I know really reads it so I can write just about anything without sensor.